An American working in London parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.
As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door, before speeding off.
More than a little distraught, the American grabs his phone and calls the police.
Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the American starts screaming hysterically: "My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters, it'll just never be the same again!"
After the American finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust: "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody yanks are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?", snaps the American.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your left arm was torn off when the truck hit you."
The American looks down in absolute horror...
"F*******G HELL!!!!!!" he screams...
"MY ROLEX !!...Where's my f******g Rolex ????..."
Wife was standing in the bedroom naked, and says to husband.
"What do you like most, My beautiful face, or my Sexy body?
Husband sizes her up and down and replys
"It would be your bloody sence of humor"
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens, called pullets) and 8 or 10
roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the
soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells
attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which
rooster was performing.
Now John could sit on his porch and fill out an efficiency report simply
by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was
But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung
at all! John went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing.
The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it
He'd sneak up on a pullet, nail her and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch
became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result.....The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece
Prize", but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most
highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on
the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last
years of his life in a nursing Home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and
depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything
"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace, "My
Private Part died today and I am very sad."
Knowing her patients were forgetful and
sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so
sorry, Mr. Wallace, please accept my condolences."
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking
down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his
pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy
"Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be
walking down the hall like that. Please put your
Private Part back inside your pajamas.
"But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Wallace, "I
told you yesterday that my Private Part died
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it
hanging out of your pajamas?"
(You are going to love this!!!!!)
"Well," he replied, *"Today's the viewing
Woman and cats will do as they please: Men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea!