Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its
yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative
meanings for common words. The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency v vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,"This is from the gentleman who is seated over there," He indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by way of a note.
The waiter who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her, and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read, For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He fold the note, handed it to the waiter, and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read, Just to let you know, things aren't always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garges. I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. I have over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back
A handful of 7 year old children were asked " what they thought of beer ".
Some interesting responses: 7 year old Tim "I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mum gets"
7 year old Mellanie - " Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice"
7 year old Grady- "My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny "
7 year old Toby - " My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing"
7 year old Sarah- "My Dad gets pissed on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much "
7 year old Lilly - " My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool"
7 year old Ethan - " I don't like beer very much . Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbeque and they taste disgusting"
7 year old Shirley - " I give Dad's beer to the Dog and he goes to sleep"
7 year old Jack - " My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense"