Pooping at work - K-Bikes.com - Excellence in Motion
 
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post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old Dec 2nd, 2005, 1:22 am Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 759
Pooping at work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our
cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to
convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate
pooping at work, following is the 2001 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your
area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be
careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled.
Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.



ESCAPEE.
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a
poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic
embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an
unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge
it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the
urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties
feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.
This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen,
do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to
spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH.
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop
log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This
reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can
help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME.
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks
in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does
not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER.
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often
see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine
under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper
before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN).
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping
goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of
Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS.
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This
will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to
force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments
that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall
until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye
contact.

CAMO-COUGH.
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that
you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert
potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an
ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that
you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper
can poop in peace.

WATERMELON.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water.
This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on,
create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET.
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the
toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an
Astaire.

UNCLE TED.
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend
extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle
Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait
to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the
other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY.
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check
for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious
if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
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post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old Dec 2nd, 2005, 3:03 pm
 
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Posts: 1,047
I crapped so hard I laughed in my pants.
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post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old Dec 2nd, 2005, 3:18 pm
 
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Posts: 629
Oh man. Three of us at work just keep laughing.
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post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old Dec 2nd, 2005, 3:46 pm
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Oh shit! I laughed so hard that I'm fucking crying.

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post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old Dec 2nd, 2005, 6:50 pm
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Location: Chapel Hill, TN, USA
Posts: 619
Talking doing the deed at work

pretty humorous indeed, I would akin the prior posting on f**k bush akin to pooping on the forum in similarity.

If it's got curves ride it.
life member NRA, GOA and Tennessee Firearms Owners Association.
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post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old Dec 2nd, 2005, 8:14 pm
 
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Rolled on the floor laughing, had to go for a poopie before finishing.
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