A couple of minutes to waste!
Some of these actually aren't bad!
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing
to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
"Well you see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move
as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This
natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general
speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular
killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol
kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest
brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates
the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient
And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she
needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says: "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few
questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc,
and then asks, "what is your occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she says.
The accountant balks and says, "No, No, No, that's a colloquialism. We
need a proper occupational description."
The woman says, "OK., I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that is still not right. Try again."
After thinking for a few seconds the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being
a whore & call girl?
"Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year!"
A man walks to 5th Ave. & 42nd St. in New York City during a
downpour and somehow manages to get a taxi immediately. He gets into
the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like
"Sheldon Cohen. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my cab
being vacant during a rainstorm. It would have happened like that for
Sheldon every single time."
"Well, no one is perfect. There are always a few clouds over
everybody", stated the passenger.
"Not Sheldon," said the cabbie. "He was a terrific athlete. He could
have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He
sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. Handsome
and sophisticated, more than Cary Grant. He had a better body than
Arnold in his prime. He was something!
"Somehow Sheldon just knew exactly how to make women happy," the
cabbie continued. "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with.
He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole
neighbourhood blacks out."
"Wow, incredible , no wonder you remember him!" said the passenger.
"Well, I never actually met Sheldon," admitted the cabbie.
"Then how do you know so much about him?" asked the passenger.
"After he died, I married his wife."
A man walked into the produce section of his local Coles
supermarket,and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole
heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old
b****rd wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right
behind him, so he quickly added,"and this gentleman kindly offered to
buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you
got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think
on their feet here. Where are you from son?"
"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there."
"Really," replied the manager? "My wife is from New Zealand!"
"Is that right??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
Some of the boys in the remand centre were so bored they started
causing trouble, so the management decided to offer them some educational courses.
Some enrolled in a remedial English class. The teacher asked
the class, "Does anyone know what comes after a sentence?" All of the
class raised their hands. "The appeal!" they shouted eagerly.