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post #1 of 18 (permalink) Old Feb 9th, 2014, 12:37 am Thread Starter
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just jokes

ill try to keep them clean as I am new here and don't want to give the wrong impression.

A woman in a hot air balloon, realizing she was lost, reduced altitude and spotted a man below.
She descended further and shouted to the man "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet her an hour ago, but I don't know where I am"

The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in IT," said the balloonist.

"Actually I am," replied the man, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed me even more."

The man below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you won't keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f***ing fault...
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post #2 of 18 (permalink) Old Feb 9th, 2014, 12:38 am Thread Starter
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Drunk gets thrown out of a bar,walks around to the side door.Same bartender tells him to leave again.
Drunk asks"anywhere you don't work?"
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post #3 of 18 (permalink) Old Feb 9th, 2014, 12:39 am Thread Starter
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One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"
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post #4 of 18 (permalink) Old Feb 9th, 2014, 12:39 am Thread Starter
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a woman driving up a very steep and very foggy road almost hits a wild boar but it just stepped into the other lane right as she passed it. she slowed down and put her head out the window to see better when she met a man headed down the road with his head out the window too... she yelled out PIG!!... to that, the man shouted back "WHORE!!" and hit the pig as he rounded the next corner.
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post #5 of 18 (permalink) Old Feb 9th, 2014, 12:40 am Thread Starter
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A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
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post #6 of 18 (permalink) Old Feb 9th, 2014, 12:40 am Thread Starter
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Two guys arrive in the USA by boat

and one says to the other,

I hear the people of this country eat dogs!!

They spot a hotdog vendor and figure that if they are going to be here they might as well do like everyone else.

They ask for two dogs.

The vendor gives them two hotdogs wrapped in foil.

The two guys find them a seat and start opening the dogs and one says.

What part did you get!!!
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post #7 of 18 (permalink) Old Feb 9th, 2014, 12:41 am Thread Starter
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My neighbors, the two cute, young, lesbians next door, asked me what I would like for my birthday..
I was quite surprised, when they gave me a Timex!

It was very nice of them, but I'm pretty sure that they misunderstood me, when I said:
"I just wanna watch !"
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post #8 of 18 (permalink) Old Feb 9th, 2014, 12:41 am Thread Starter
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a man is sitting in a bar just staring at his drink, he sits like that for over 2 hours.

a local guy has been making fun of him with his buddies at a nearby table and finnaly decides to take it over the top, so he walks over picks up the guys drink and downs the whole thing in one gulp.

The man just starts crying and puts his head in his hands...

the local guy says ohh man, im sorry, I was just given you hell, here let me buy you another drink..

the man says no no thats not it. my car had a flat this morning so I was a little late to work, when I got there someone else was at my desk, my boss said hes tired of my shit and fired me. when I got back out to the parking lot I discovered I had left my keys and phone in the car, so i busted out a window to get in, only to discover that I had also left the lights on and so the battery was dead. I called for a cab to take me home and discovered my wife in bed with my best friend.

local man says "thats awfull"

the man at the bar says, thats not even the worst part, I came here to get hammerd and to end my life and I was just sitting here thinking about all this shit when you walked up and drank my poison!
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post #9 of 18 (permalink) Old Feb 9th, 2014, 12:42 am Thread Starter
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exercise for people over 50!!!

THAT MEANS YOU

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 3 Kg potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 5 Kg potato bags.

Then try 25 Kg potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50 Kg potato bag in each hand and hold your
arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level ..... I'm so proud!)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
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post #10 of 18 (permalink) Old Feb 9th, 2014, 12:43 am Thread Starter
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20 things not to say at work

I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a fuck.
How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Ahhh, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
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