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post #1 of 1 (permalink) Old Mar 27th, 2014, 6:08 pm Thread Starter
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Posts: 1,163
and then

I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table,
after four I'm under my host.



Sometime this year, we taxpayers may again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:


Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.


Q. Where will the government get this money ?

A. From taxpayers.


Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?

A. Only a smidgen of it.


Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a

high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.


Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Australian Economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:


* If you spend the stimulus money at K-Mart, Big W , Target or the host of $2 shops we have, the money will go to China, Vietnam orSri Lanka .


* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.


* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India ,Taiwan or China ...


* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to China, India, Peru.....

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in Australia by:

1) Spending it at garage sales, or

2) Going to footy games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.

(These are just about the only Australian businesses still operating in OZ.)

Conclusion:

Go to a footy game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a garage sale and drink beer all day !


No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.



I was in a pub at Tamworth for the Country Music Festival the other week, when this really brutally ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said, "Give me your number, sexy."


(Cowgirl no teeth)


I replied "Have you got a pen?"

She smiled and said "Yes."

I replied, "Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing."
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