Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Santa Clarita, CA, USA
Please take the time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge 3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank who was visiting from Springfield, Ill.
Frank: "Recently, I was hohored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at judges's table asking for directions to the Coor Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the score card notes from the event :
CHILI..1 - Mikes Maniac Monster Chili..
Judge . 1 -- A little heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge . 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Ver mild.
Judge . 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff ? You could remove dried paint from
your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These
Texans are crazy.
CHILI ..2 - Austins Afterburner Chili
Judge.. 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge.. 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge.. 3 -- Keep this stuff out of reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI ..3 - Fred's Famous Burn Down The Barn Chili ...
Judge .. 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge .. 2 -- A bit salty, good use of pepper.
Judge .. 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
CHILI .. 4 - Bubba's Black Magic
Judge .. 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge .. 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much lf a chili.
Judge .. 3 -- I felt something scrape across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds ? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is Chili an aphrodesiac ?
CHILI .. 5 Lisa' s Legal Lip Remover
Judge .. 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge .. 2 --Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement>
Judge ..3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus
my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other two judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those Rednecks!
CHILI .. 6 - Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge .. 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge .. 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge .. 3 --My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric fumes. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it wil eat through the chair. No one seems inclined
to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
CHILI .. 7 _ Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge .. 1 -- A mediocore chili with too much reliance on canned tomatoes.
Judge .. 2 -- Ho, hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. ** I should take note that I am worried about Judge .. 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge .. 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing.
I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slipped unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI .. 8 - Big Toms Toenail Curling Chili
Judge .. 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
Judge .. 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge..3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot on top
of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it, poor feller, wonder how he would have reacted to really hot chili ?
Judge ..3 : No report.
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